2011

Queen of Hearts

R.I.P. Daddy

 

Daddy Charles  12-23-1928 to 08-21-2002

I knew who my dad was but did not really know him.

I always wanted to be daddy's little girl and have my dad tell me how much he loved me, how pretty I am, how smart I am, and how proud he is of me. Sadly, it never happened. As an woman I can see that being affirmed by your father is crucial.

 

Today is my dad's birthday. I can't tell you how many pictures I drew and birthday cards I purchased for him that he never received. 

I remember my dad being very tall, handsome, quite, smoking either a pipe or a cigar. He worked for VA Hospital for over 32 years. I was always told he worked with crazy folks. He loved music and had a music collection to die for. He always drove a Cadillac and purchased a new one every 2-3 years.. My dad wasn't very talkative or affectionate. As a teenager he didn't take any interest in me or my life that I know of. But, there was always a gift for me on my birthday and Christmas waiting for me at my grandmother's house.

I was always happy when my father came to pick me up. I loved my daddy so much. I would only be happy for a short time because he would drop me off at his mother's house and then leave. If he was home there was little or no interaction with him. I spent most of my time with his mother who loved me dearly.  

I know he was a ladies man because my grandmother always complained about all the women that he had and how none of them were any good, including my mother.  My grandmother didn't think anyone was good enough for her son.

Did I mention that my dad was a momma's boy and lived with his mother until he married in 1987. The woman he married was a few years older than me with two daughters that he raised.

I have no pictures of me and my dad together. I am his only child. I don't remember my dad holding me, talking to me, reading to me or spending quality time with me. I said, I don't remember.  However, that does not mean it did not happen.

Isn't your dad suppose to be the first man you fall in love with?

Every year I purchased a Father's Day card for my father. When he died I had 25 Father's Day cards that I signed, addressed and never mailed. I wanted so much for him to be the King of my heart.

So, I had no father at my Middle School, High School or College graduation. No picture with my dad celebrating my accomplishments.

No dad walking me down the isle when I got married.

My children and I attended my father's funeral. His co-workers were shocked and surprised that he had a daughter and grandchildren. Many told me he never mentioned he had a child, never showed one picture. They all said, "when I saw your son walk in I knew that had to be his son or someone closely related." It 's funny how genes mix. My son looks just like my father.

As I sat through the service, people praised my father and talked about what a wonderful man he was. There were many testimonies of how he changed their lives and  he was the person they could always count on. Some people cried and could hardly get through their speeches as they talked about the love they had for him and told funny stories about his love for music, cowboy movies and playing bid whist.

After it was all over, I left the cemetery wishing that I had the opportunity to love and know the man that his co-workers loved and adored.

I don't know all the things that happened with my dad, my mother or my grandmother. When you are a child you make assumptions about what you see and think you know. When you become an adult you realize there was lot of missing facts. I still deal with issues of rejection and abandonment based on the relationship or  (lack of) with my father. However, I love my daddy.


 Queen of Hearts

Writer's Block

I have so many thoughts in my head...

Queen of Hearts

WORLD AIDS DAY

December 1st, is dedicated to raising awareness of the AIDS pandemic caused by the spread of HIV infection.

HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is the virus that leads to the disease AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome).

The best thing you can do for you is know your status. If you are HIV negative do everything in your power to remain that way. If you are HIV positive, it is not a death sentence, people are living longer with the virus. Get the proper medical attention, counseling, nutrition and exercise to help fight the virus. Take precaution, protect yourself and others by not spreading the virus.

 Condoms are sold under many brand names. Trojan is one of the popular brands. They come in all sizes from x-small to x-large. Use one each time you have sex. They can protect you if used properly from unwanted pregnancy, HIV virus and other STD's.

 Condoms come in all colors and flavors. If you are allergic to latex condoms, you can use polyurethane. Don't use lambskin condoms as they don't protect against HIV.

 There are female condoms are also available. Using them can sometimes be a pain. You have to make sure to use plenty of lubricant and follow the instructions for proper protection.

 Female condoms don't come in flavors or colors. They are sometimes used by men. (That's another post).

The Dental Dam is a square piece of latex which is also used to provide protection during oral sex.

 The Dental Dam comes in assorted flavors and colors and can purchased at most adult stores. The dams should be used when performing cunnilingus(vaginal oral sex, eating pussy), or during anilingus (anal oral sex, rimming).

 Use finger cots to protect yourself when inserting your finger into the vagina or anus. They can be purchased at your local drug store near the bandages.

 Finger cots protect you and your partner if you have cuts, warts or a rash on your fingers. It is better to use a protected finger when inserted in the vagina looking for the G-spot, and when inserted in a well lubed anus.

 Don't forget to use only water based lubricants when using condoms and sex toys. There are many on the market to choose from.

KY Jelly is a very popular water-based lubricant. Never use baby oil, Vaseline, cooking oil, or olive oil. Oil breaks down the condom and protection is totally compromised.

 Remember STD's  are real. Condoms help protect against Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Such as:
Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Hepatitis A,B,&C, Syphilis and HPV. Remember you can't look at someone and tell if they have a disease. Most likely they won't tell you if they are infected. So don't take a chance with your life. Protect yourself!

 My challenge to you is to get tested , know your status and protect yourself.

Queen of Hearts

Thankful

 I give thanks to God for each day I am among the land of the living. I don't need a holiday to remind me to give thanks.I have so much to be thankful for one day would hardly be sufficient. 

The stores go all out and set up elaborate displays to convince you that you need to spend your money on overpriced food, cook a special meal, invite your family over, to show how thankful you are.

I am not anti -Thanksgiving Day. I know that many families look forward to this time of year. My point is you don't need a special day or special meal to come together with your family to express how thankful you are.

As you sit around the table to eat and give thanks, remember to bless the cook and remember those who are jobless, homeless, or don't have family.

Queen of Hearts

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

 

Hindsight is always 20 20 as it allows you to learn from your mistakes. Lately I've had a lot of time to reflect back over my life. Yesterday is history. I can't undo anything that has happened or didn't happen for me. Today the decisions I make will determine my tomorrow. So here are my coulda, woulda, shoulda list.

Coulda

I coulda been more persistent.

I coulda taken more chances.

I coulda made better choices.
I coulda been more assertive.

I coulda spoke up for myself.

Woulda

I woulda completed more if I didn't procrastinate.

I woulda achieved more if I believed in myself.

I woulda lived more if I wasn't living to please others.

I woulda implemented my great ideas if I wasn't a perfectionist.

I woulda been motivated if depression didn't consume me.

Shoulda 

I shoulda took the time to love me.

I shoulda did the things that made me happy.

I shoulda had more self-confidence.

I shoulda had a daddy who loved, affirmed and protected me.

I shoulda had a husband who was not abusive.

 I live with no regrets. I am who I am because of all my life experiences. I believe that with all my  

gifts, talents ,faults, shortcomings, and idiosyncrasy, I'm still a good person with a lot to offer.

Queen of Hearts

R. I. P. Mama

Mama you're the Queen of my Heart.

Catherine Williams July 28, 1932 - November 13, 1997

 November is usually a somber month for me. I still grieve for my mom. I never got to say goodbye. Today makes 13 years that my mother went to be with the Lord.

This November is bittersweet. Although I still grieve,  I was blessed to watch the birth of my fifth grandchild on November 9th . A beautiful baby girl who is a perfect reflection of God's grace.

I would give anything to pick up the phone and talk to my mother. She was the best mother in the world. Sometimes just hearing her voice made whatever I was going through at the time bearable.  She was full of wisdom, kind, generous, loving, thoughtful, and loved by everyone who knew her.  She was affectionately know as Mama Cat to her grandchildren who still talk how much they love and miss her. 

I find myself teaching my children the same things she taught me. Sometimes I use the exact words. Some of my mama's pearls of wisdom:

a. Manners - Saying please and thank you will take you a long way in life.

b. Visiting - Make your visits short. People will get tired of you. Know when to take your behind home.

c. Decisions - Always be willing to suffer the consequences of any decision you make good or bad.

d. Drugs & Alcohol - If it was good for you, I would have plenty of here for you.

e. Roof over your head - Always pay your rent if you don't pay anything else. You can sit in the dark in your own place and someone will always feed you. But people aren't willing to have you live with them.

f.  PDA - Don't allow anyone to  kiss, hug , grope and feel all over you in public. Always be a lady in public and be respectable.  What you do behind close doors as two consenting adults is your business and should always remain that way.

g. Truth - Your word is your bond. If you said you would, do it.  Always have integrity. The truth needs no proof.

h. Liars- Liars can't be trusted. If you lie you will steal and if you steal you will kill.  Liars have to always look over their shoulders and try to remember the lies they told.  

i. Jesus Moments - There will come a time in life when everything seems to go wrong, or you don't know what to do. No one can help you not even your mother. Just remember these are Jesus moments and know that nothing lasts forever, you will make it through and this too shall pass. Just call on Jesus and give Him time to work it out.

I could go on forever with the pearls my mother left me.  I can't remember them all in one sitting but, the appropriate one always come to mind when I need it.

 As I sat observing my daughter with her new baby,  I thanked God for three generations in the room.  At that moment I had an epiphany,  Matriarch of my family is my role. I am my mother's oldest living child. My brothers tell me I act like Mama Cat, my children tell me I remind them of Mama Cat. I accept that compliment and wear that moniker with pride. I know that I represent the best of my mother.

Now there is a new generation of children to love.  To them I am affectionately known as Nana and although they never got to personally meet Mama Cat,  her love and influence lives on  through me.

Queen of Hearts

Accepting Applications

 Full time position available.

Now accepting applications

Experience in love preferred, but will accept a young trainee.

Qualifications-
The individual must be a non-smoker, drug free, disease free, drama free, non-violent, single and available.

Should enjoy music from all genres, concerts, theater, movies, dancing, traveling, walks on the beach, attending social events, and cuddling on the couch.

Ability to connect mentally and physically. Willing to put in the time it takes to get to know someone because it is a process. Be prepared to date, pamper, and spoil.

Able to communicate, be open minded, have an opinion, read literature and discuss current events. Be intelligent, street savvy, self-motivated, confident, trustworthy, passionate, creative, sensitive and romantic.

This position will be filled immediately if you are qualified.

Queen of Hearts

Bitch Please!

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.~ George Santayana

The other day I received an email from an ex-girlfriend. It said,"Your birthday is fast approaching. I can't help but think of you. Sorry I hurt your feelings and I only hope that we are past that by now. I would love to celebrate your birthday, before-during or after. My number is still the same. I forgot yours."

Really? Are you fucking serious?  My last words to her were, "BITCH lose my number and don't ever call me again. Forget you knew me and if you see me on the street look the other way."

What makes you think I would want to go through all that bullsh*t with you again. You are my ex for a reason. Never again, not in this life or the one to come. I will spare the details surrounding the relationship because they are not important. There are two sides to every story.

Looking back and remembering the old times through rose colored lens everything was all good.  As you allow time to pass you forget the bad things and remember only the good times. You begin to think about your ex and the history you share how you know each other so well. You begin to think she wasn't so bad maybe we can pick up where we left off. Familiarity feels so good.

Consider why you broke up.  Would you do it again? Why are you thinking about your ex now?  What triggers these thoughts? Is it because you are in a rut? Lonely? Depressed? You can't move on? Remember because you are in love, does not mean the feeling is mutual. Your ex may have moved on.

It can be extremely difficult to stay away from someone you once loved. Just remember when you go back to your ex there will be a honeymoon period. Then old habits will resurface. Their annoying behaviors, bad character traits, snoring, laugh, past hurts or whatever you couldn't stand about them before will still be there.  You may regret going back and being forced to relive past pain.

You are not obligated to return any phone calls, texts, or emails to your ex.  It is best not to start talking or hanging out with them lest you fall back into old habits. You start talking regularly, you are invited to lunch, dinner, weekend get -away, then spending the night at each others place, and soon you are back into a relationship.

Don't expect a reply to your email or a telephone call. I'm glad you lost my number so you won't be texting me or leaving me pathetic messages on my telephone.  You remain kicked to the curb, down the drain and into the sewer.

Forgiveness has set me free. I am not mad nor angry. I have chosen not to revisit that closed chapter in my life.  I respect myself and realized what I want and it does not include you. "Bitch"

Queen of Hearts

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves -Definition 1. Something about which one frequently complains. 2. A particular personal vexation.

When I started my list of pet peeves I was amazed at how quickly I reached 50. I had to stop because I realized  I had a problem. Given this, I reduced my list to 25.

1. People who touch the top of my glass. I hate it when a waitress picks my glass up by the top where I have to place my lips.

2. People who cut in line. If I have to wait my turn in line, so do you.

3. Getting disconnected after being on hold forever.

4. People who park crooked or take up two parking spaces.

5. People who talk on the phone and text while driving.

6. People who send text message forwards to my cell phone.

7. People who place used chewing gum under the table or chair.

8. Cashiers who can't count change back to you.

9. People who must have constant drama in their lives.

10. People who double dip.

11.People who chew with their mouth open or smack when eating.

12. People who don't replace or tell you there is no more toilet paper.

13. People who talk during the movie or play.

14. People who don't wash their hands after using the toilet.

15. Women who wear to small clothes.

16.  The small expiration dates on food packages.

17.  Placing an order at  the local drive-thru and the person taking your order can't speak English.

18. Rude people who bump into you and don't say excuse me.

19. While waiting in the line at the bank or grocery store, I have to hear your entire telephone conversation.

20. Bad customer service.

21. Redundant paperwork required by county, state or federal government.

22. Receiving chain letters in my email.

 23. People who merge onto the freeway and slow down instead of speeding up.

24. People who exhibit (PDA) public displays of affection.  Get a room please.

25. Applying for a job and under qualifications it reads: bilingual Spanish, preferred, required, or a must.

Queen of Hearts

Creator or the Creation

The Spirit of GOD dwells within me.  My personal relationship with GOD is not based on any organized religion, leader, or movement.

Some of my deepest hurts, most painful memories, and betrayals came from people within the church. It wasn't sinners or unsaved heathen who hurt me.  It was Bible toting, tongue talking, crucifix wearing, holy ghost-filled, self-righteous, judgmental, Saints of God, who annihilated my spirit.

I learned many years ago, no matter what title the man or woman of the cloth may hold, (i.e. Missionary, Evangelist, Bishop, Elder, Minister, Preacher, Teacher, Deacon, Pastor, Rabbi, Priest, Nun, Pope, Prophetess, etc.), they are human first.

In other words, they are men and women, who are not perfect, who struggle with the same emotions, temptations, sins and challenges that we all have.  It is important not to place your faith in man, but put your faith in GOD. Don't worship the creation (man), worship the Creator (GOD).

Many people have deviated from organized religion for many reasons. For some it was the reprehensible behavior exhibited by leadership with rituals, man-made rules, cliques, judgments and scandals. There is no perfect church. If one existed, as soon as you or I joined, it would become imperfect. Why? Because neither of us are perfect and at times we have succumb to our own vices. This is why it is so important that we learn to worship the Creator and not the creation.

Re-establish your focus!

Queen of Hearts

A Job...What's that?

If you are a 50-plus out of work individual, you may be doomed to joblessness according to the current reports on television, radio and internet.

I have been searching for a job nearly two years. I have diligently sent countless Resumes with Cover Letters and followed up on each job lead sent my way. I've sent my information into cyberspace and received very few responses. With my skills and experience, I never thought I would have a problem obtaining a job. After
all, I have never been unemployed, I've worked most of my life and payed into the system for decades.

Nestled away in my closet are boxes that contain a plethora of Trophies, Plaques, Diplomas, Certificates of Recognition, Achievement, Training, Completion, Service and Volunteer awards that document my work history. They only mean something to me. When I die my children will probably toss those items in the trash. Sort of  like 50-plus workers are being tossed into the unemployment lines.

So where in cyberspace is my Resume? Why no response? What happens to all your personal information?
 My sister-in-law placed an ad on Craig's List for a cashier in her bakery. She stated," I was overwhelmed by the hundreds of Resumes I received for a part-time position."  That is what happens each time a job ad is placed. Thousands of people apply for the same job and overwhelms the HR department. Maybe they start by throwing away all the 50 and over Resumes. Hummmm...

The workforce has changed and employers are looking for younger workers they can pay less wages.
Someone younger will bring in fresh ideas and know the latest technology, upgrade the office system, and eliminate more jobs humans used to do.  Recently, I overheard a worker at a Temporary Agency on the phone stating," this client is looking for front office, you know young, attractive, blond."  Sex sells and employers desire to hire attractive females and males to represent their company.

Money makes the world go round. The workforce can be shared by old and new workers. Older workers bring experience and wisdom with them. It creates the perfect opportunity for each generation to learn from the other. It is illegal for employers to discriminate based on age, but they blatantly do it everyday. We can't prove it, but if you are 50-plus and out of work you experience it daily.

What do you do when you have depleted your savings account, 401K, and unemployment benefits? What do you do when you are not old enough to receive Social Security Benefits?  Answer:  Keep looking for a job.